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Let’s Talk about Threesomes and Moresomes

We were recently contacted by a customer who asked me to write about how to discuss having a threesome. I clarified whether the person meant how to have a threesome. Their response was, “No how to talk to your partner about the idea.” So this month we will explore how to discuss the idea of a threesome with your partner.

Threesomes are not new territory for me as a sex therapist. I often discuss the ins and outs of threesomes with couples who are thinking about introducing a third into the relationship. Before talking to your partner about the idea you might want to think about some questions.

Why do you want a threesome?
An Important question to consider. As a sex and relationship therapist I do caution the use of the threesomes because your partner is not giving you enough sex. Maybe a little relationship work might address this issue. Some people simply want to try because they think it as taboo – something forbidden in society. Others because, the more people the merrier.

Whether for merriment or taboo-ness, be clear about your reasons for wanting to try a threesome. And try is the important word here. Even if you and your partner decide to go ahead, you may find it is one-show-only type situation that you do not wish to repeat.

What sort of threesomes?
There is more than one sort…..well kinda yeah! What is the ratio of women/men? Do you want two women, one man; two men, one woman, or do you want a moresome? Maybe a foursome? You need to be clear.

Once you are clear about the gender make-up of the threesome idea, you need to think about the order. Of course the order will depend on comfort with same-sex and opposite sex sexual contact. Possible mixes include: male-female-male; male-male-female, female-female, male; or female-male-female. When you abbreviate them, it reminds of a typing lesson.

Remember those rote typing drills of letters: MFM, MMF, FFM, FMF. The order might not be so important if you and your partner might be comfortable with sexual touch from men and women.

What is it you plan to do in your threesome (or moresome)?
Comfort with sexual play with same or opposite genders might determine what you might do in the threesome. You need to consider your limits and also your partner’s limits. Some people are comfortable with some behaviours/acts and not others. I know of a couple who are fine with all sexual acts, yet do not allow any kissing. Before talking to your partner, know what it is you asking to happen in the threesome.

Talking to Your Partner
Now you have worked through your idea in your own head you need to discuss the topic with your partner. I have often spoken about partner communication in my blogs. Good communication is the key.

Good communication involves being clear about what it is you asking and also requires you to actively listen to your partner. In sharing your responses to the questions above, you provide an opportunity for your partner to explore the idea of threesomes. Your partner will also need to consider why they might want a threesome, who they want in the threesome and what they want to do in a threesome.

Consider your partner’s thoughts and concerns. Be prepared to consider your partner’s ideas, desires and wants. Remember you have thought about this idea of a threesome – your partner might want some time to think about it as well. It might be a single conversation – it could a number of conversations.

In talking about the idea of a threesome, the two of you might want to consider the following discussion points.

Setting Boundaries
Consider the limits on behaviour in the threesome act and on issues of contact with the third person – who can liaise; how to liaise; can you have coffee as individuals with the third outside the relationship? It can be difficult to consider everything all at once. That is why I recommend open and ongoing conversations on the topic.

Consider the Jealousy Factor
Discuss what if one or both of you experiences jealousy. It can happen at any time – in the discussing, the planning, the executing, or even afterwards. Jealousy arises because we think someone has something/someone we don’t. The key to managing jealousy is communication and ensuring we are expressing love and desire towards our partner.

Finding the Third
Technology might be a friend here. You can use an app or a website. Be clear about what you are seeking and who you are seeking. There are websites which “specialise” in non-monogamy as well.

Once you have a found a person, or persons, agreeable to all, you will need to discuss with your potential partner what you and your primary partner wish to engage in during sex play. Again a reason to be clear about what it is the two of you are hoping to to do with the third partner.
Be prepared for false starts. Enjoy the time searching. Remember it is about fun!

Final Advice on talking About Threesomes… … …
Do not consider your best friend/mate. Best friends/mates a threesome do not make. Also “ex-es”. Again not a good mix.
There is a difference between discussing, planning and doing a threesome. The first stage is discussing and maybe even begin planning. Next month I will focus on the etiquette and doing of threesomes.

Remember, until then, communication is the key and good communication is about listening your way to a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship includes a healthy sex life, and both need to be sane, safe and (con)sensual.

Enjoy!
Dr Christopher

Dr Christopher Fox is a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist at Sex Life Therapy in Melbourne. He has clinics in East Melbourne and Frankston.

Disclaimer: The information contained in this document should be read as general in nature and is only to provide an overview of the subject matter covered. Please read product packaging carefully and follow all instructions.

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