People often ask me how to introduce the topic of adult toys into their relationship. So I thought this would be a good topic for this month’s blog.
Why toys? Approaching the Subject
Remember when you were a kid. Sometimes you played with toys by yourself. Other times you shared your toys with your friends. Adult toys are much the same. Sometimes you might play with an adult toy by yourself; other times you might play with a sex toy with your partner. Toys are an adjunct to play – not about replacing reality.
Keep this in mind for your conversation with your partner. Adult toys are an add-on to your sex play.
Think about what you are going to say. Do some research. Read my earlier posts on choosing toys. Think about what is working in your relationship and how introducing adult toys will enhance the sex play you enjoy together.
Communication as in all things relationship is the key. Choose the right time – try to have a conversation when your hormones are running high – like just before or after sex (or an argument!)
Ease into the conversation – use this blog. Talk about what friends have shared about using toys. Let the conversation flow naturally – do not have pre-determined outcome.
Be open about your desires and sexual interests – this will help your partner to be comfortable sharing their ideas about sex. Do not judge – for many people there is a shame around sex. When we judge our partners (or ourselves) for this, it is harder to have open and honest sexual relationships. For many people there is also a lack of good sex education and knowledge.
Listen – Listen to your partner. Do not think of counterarguments while they are speaking – just listen. Listen to their concerns and fears. Be prepared for honestly and to be honest. The conversation is about making sex play fun.
Celebrate the positive – Tell your partner about the fun sex times you have together.
Explain the outcome of using a toy – connect the toy to something your partner already does for you during sex play. Avoid using “but” or “Sex would be better if…” in the conversation. Add on to the conversation with “and”. For example, “I love the way you tickle my perineum and if we add vibration I think it would blow my mind away.” Remember toys are an adjunct to play!
Reassurance – Reassure your partner that all is good in the relationship. Focus on what is working and what you love about your partner and the sex you have together. Reassure your partner there is not a problem.
Counter the fear – be prepared to counter any fears your partner may have about toys. Many people fear the unknown and think toys are tacky and plastic. For some men, penis-shaped toys may be threatening to their size or performance. (Please note: there are no phallic-shaped toys at Aphrodite’s Pleasure). One couple I worked with reported the husband was fearful his wife would become to the gadget and what it could do as he could not spin and vibrate like the toy could.
No pressure. Don’t push your partner – if they are not keen leave it for another day. Refocus your energy on building erotic play into your relationship – erotic massage, genital touch, and mood enhancers like candles.
Know your stuff (do some research) and do some research together. Explore the website. This is a good way for the two of you to become more comfortable with discussing adult toys. Maybe find a simple toy which you both could use and enjoy.
Shop together – looking at toys together can be fun. It adds to the relationship as you both search for what each other would want. It is fun learning about different toys and discussing their possible use in your love-making and sex play.
Gift-giving – Maybe try giving a small toy as a gift to your partner to play with during sex play or even during their solo-play. This is not nearly as confronting and it makes for a gift with a difference.
Her Toys, His Toys – Our Toys
Remember toys are about sharing and enhancing play. A vibrator can be used as a massager on the body and on external genitalia. Using a vibrator on his penis, testicles, and perineum or even around his anus can add sensation to his enjoyment. Cock rings or penis rings are great for enhancing erections. A vibrating cock ring, like OVO’s B11 Vibrating Cock Ring or Lelo’s Tor 2 Vibrating Couple’s Ring (cock ring), can bring vibrating fun to the both of you.
There are couple toys like the We-Vibe 2 and We-Vibe 4 or Lelo’s Noa and Lelo’s Tiani 3. Couple’s toys are designed for use during intercourse and other sex play. Couple’s toys bring fun to both partners through their unique design.
If you add fun to touch play why not the magic of the Hello Touch Stimulator. This little dynamite uses vibrating finger pads to add magic to your massage and sexual touch play.
When introducing adult toys to your sex play, remember toys are an add-on to playing. Be prepared – think about what you will say. Communicate openly and honestly with your partner. Be positive. Also be prepared to experiment with toys. Sex is fun and intimacy is the goal.
Until next month, remember a healthy life includes a healthy sex life.
Enjoy! Dr Christopher
Dr Christopher Fox is a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist at Sex Life Therapy in Melbourne. He has clinics in East Melbourne and Frankston.
Disclaimer: The information contained in this document should be read as general in nature and is only to provide an overview of the subject matter covered. Please read product packaging carefully and follow all instructions.