Giving Head – Oral Sex on Him
This month we explore oral sex on men. Sexual skills do not come naturally. These skills need to be learnt and practiced. Yet we forget this point. No sex education at school ever included how to have sex play and make it fun. I learnt along the way. A great book is Blow Him Away by Marcy Michaels. The author provides good tips on performing oral sex on him.
Many people call oral sex on men different terms: fellatio, blow jobs, BJs, head, giving head, sucking off and the terms go on and on. Let’s begin with a history of fellatio and blow job.
A Mindless yet Interesting Look at the Terms
Ever since my adolescence I have wondered why blow job is called a blow job when blowing isn’t involved (although blowing on the wet shaft of the penis can be arousing…..). A quick search of the W3 resulted in too many hits to even begin to read. I did stumble on a blog on the New Meridian website Why is it called a blow job? which provides a great summary. Here are the key points:
- Blow was termed for ejaculate in England in times gone by (as in blows like a volcano);
- Sex workers were once known as blowsies;
- An extension of the idea of blow off – to finish off; climax; end;
- 1933 slang, used by sex workers, to blow someone off;
- Blow jobs were once known as [em]below jobs[/em] which was shortened to b’low jobs and eventually blow jobs.
Fellatio is the Latin term for oral sex. The word derives from the Latin verb fellare which means to suck. Therefore fellatio at least as a word has the clear meaning. Back to the topic at hand – giving good head.
There is more than meets the eye with a man’s penis. The external penis contains the shaft, foreskin (if uncircumcised) glans and meatus (the tip of the penis) (See image). The ridge, or edge of the glans, is known as the corona. On the underside where the foreskin meets the glans (on circumcised men it is often skin tag) is the frenulum. Each of these areas vary in sensitivity.
Equally important is the part of the penis we do not see. The penis root, or radix, consists of the bulb of the penis and the crus, or legs of the penis, found on either side of the bulb. The radix is located in the perineal cavity. To find these use gentle pressure on the perineum. The perineum is also a sensitive area on some men.
Techniques – Giving Good Head
Communication – My number one rule on anything and everything to do with sex. Talk to your partner. Men know their bits (reasonably well) and are likely to be able to explain the sensitive areas. No two penises are the same and no two men are the same. Remember what works for one man may not work for another.
We also need to talk about what each partner wants to do and does not want to do. Not everyone likes the taste, or feel, of ejaculate. Some men find the combination of receiving head at the point of ejaculation too intense when it comes to sensitivity. Number one rule is communicate with each other.
Dr Christopher’s Golden Rule of Giving and Receiving Head
Talking about oral sex happens with some frequency in couple’s therapy session. Often it is about the ejaculation aspect of the act: where to ejaculate; on the face, the body, or in the mouth. Then of course there is the swallow aspect.
Not everybody likes the feeling of ejaculate. Sometimes ejaculate can be pungent (smell a little chlorine) and even taste sweet/bitter from fructose. The taste and smell of ejaculate is affected by a variety of factors including our diet.
As a rule of thumb I always say to the man in the partnership not to expect his partner not to do something he would not do. This translates to if a man wants to ejaculate on your face is he prepared to have ejaculate on his face. If he wants to ejaculate in your mouth (even ask you to swallow) is here prepared to taste and swallow his own ejaculate.
Some men shy away from the topic at this point. Of course, for these men it seems this act is wrong for some reason. Yet some men follow through. Never expect your partner to do something you would not be prepared to do.
Preparation – Cleanliness is next to enjoyment. After a long day locked away in underwear, sweating, and having the occasional erection 9maybe with pre-cum) can cause the penis and testicles to be a bit smelly. Ensure the genital package is clean. A shower beforehand with a little soap and water can make all the difference. Showering together can be a great prelude to further sex play. If you are uncircumcised make sure to clean under your foreskin (regularly!) Avoid using colognes in this region – it can react on the skin and also will taste foul.
Some people use oral sex as foreplay. I consider anything involving penetration to be sex and therefore foreplay is what happens before acts of penetration. (in oral sex on men the penis penetrates the mouth – an act of penetration.)
Begin with general body touch and then focus touch on the penis before going down on him.
Explore – Great discoveries were made through exploration. Explore your partner’s genitalia. Spend some time getting to know the different parts of his penis and scrotum/testicles. Focus on his glans and frenulum; run your tongue around his corona; use your lips and encircle the corona at the same time. Do not forget the perineum either.
Use your lips, and tongue. Listen to responses – his hmms and ahhs; his breath. Discover together.
Make it moist – Saliva is a good lubricant during oral sex. It makes for a great pleasure for him and ease for you. You can use it assist you in adding hand movements (see below)
Use the hands – oral sex doesn’t just have be about the mouth and tongue. Use your hands and fingers. Work his shaft (wank) while focus on his glans. The saliva you generate through your mouth action can make a great lube to masturbate your partner’s penis with your hands. Let your fingers play with his testicles and/or perineum.
Rhythm – Turn the Beat Around A good rhythm is always enjoyable. A dance with no rhythm is like a song with no melody. Practice and find a rhythm you both like. Jazz it up a little; play with the tempo. Add a little bass (stronger lip movement); bring in a beat with the fingers. Create a funky move and turn the beat around.
Sounds of sex – Hearing is one of our five senses. We need to use all our senses during sex. Sound is a stimulant. Let each other know the enjoyment you are experiencing. When we moan we generate vibration which may be felt on the penis during oral sex. Even try humming a tune for greater effect! Let the sounds of sex add to the atmosphere.
Take a rest break and ask him if he likes it. If you are not comfortable with “dirty talk” then ask simple questions like, “Does it feel good?” or tease him with, “Want more?” Make it fun.
Lips over Teeth
Pucker your lips then open your mouth wide and place your lips over your teeth. Some men find the scraping of teeth an erection killer. Even combine this exercise with the A-O exercise below.
This is an oldie from days of studying drama. Make an A with your mouth and then an O bringing your lips to the perused positon. Keep your mouth wide and relaxed. Repeat.
Side to Side
Open your mouth and move your tongue from one corner of your mouth to the other corner following your bottom lip (but not touching your lip). Repeat six times.
Tongue Push Outs
With your clips gently closed and your jaws apart push your tongue straight out. Try to keep it parallel to the floor. Then pull your tongue back in. Repeat 10 times.
Push the tongue into one cheek then use two or three fingers to push against it. Repeat on other cheek. Try this for 10 reps.
The Final Bit
Some men do not/cannot ejaculate through oral sex (some men do). The enjoyment is in the journey not in the final moment. Variety is the key – whether a variety of actions or a variety of acts. Oral sex is not a marathon; it can be a sprint though and that is just as rewarding.
Safe sex is always important. Use a condom. A flavoured water-based lubricant can add to your experience. Also a condom provides a way for him to ejaculate without you having to worry about the fluid. Dispose of the condom thoughtfully (tied and in the bin).
Remember a healthy life includes a healthy sex life. And a healthy sex life is sane, (con)sensual and safe.
Dr Christopher Fox is a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist at Sex Life Therapy in Melbourne. He has clinics in East Melbourne and Frankston.
Disclaimer: The information contained in this document should be read as general in nature and is only to provide an overview of the subject matter covered. Please read product packaging carefully and follow all instructions.